Thursday, February 28, 2008

Wir haben das doch gewusst!

Yes, we are back! Hurrah! And yes, this is still an English-spoken bblogg. And yes, we still have a vision: Television.

On TV: a filthy-rich person, no pun intended, strolling about his vast veranda, looking over his vaster garden, being interviewed. He regrets, he says between cigar puffs, or blows, the existence of poor and ordinary people: He runs into them during his holidays in less vast places and that annoys and disgusts him. And why should ordinary people care? Contrary to germs, poor and ordinary people's existence is currently pretty well protected by law. And not all wealthy people are such sociopaths. What most wealthy people have in common is not arrogance, just a very protective attitude towards their wealth, often bordering to criminal negligence. What, you didn't know that?

When TV journalists (aka back-row C- students) don't count the blinks of, and innuendos between, presidential candidates (as opposed to, say, pay attention to what is being promised by said candidates, and keep the elected ones on the tip of their toes), they take baths with elephants to raise awareness -- and to display their muscular anatomy in wet T-shirts. We knew that already. We now also know, that when German journalists don't solve the world in long, fancy sentences and long, fancy words, they get easily shocked. So it turns out that thousands of rich Germans have been smuggling their money to bordering little tax havens. Oh, what blinding, deafening shock! Men from Mars, women from Venus, and journalists from unparallel universes. To their defense, it must be tiring for journalists to have to pretend they're clever all the time. They constantly have to defend themselves as they fail to remain within – let alone be ahead of – reality. That's when the big, loud, blinding headlines come: we are as shocked as you are!

OK, we understand. Pat on the back. The good news for the “ordinary” Germans is, there are enormous fines to be collected. The prospective magnitude of those well deserved fines is to drool over! The good bespectacled turtleneck's job is to propose constructive usage thereof. No? No. Stuck with principle and moral and daily witch quotas. Oh, lord. Platonic ideas won't put bread on the table and platonic love won't give you children – IVF aside. It's no secret, everybody knows, come on back to the war, etc.

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Back to us!

We did not win the poster competition, but we are very proud of our creation. For more posters and the results go here!

Sven and RockFrog have a new friend, as we've mentioned already some time ago. His name is Frog Ted and he's quite the story teller! He kept Sven and RockFrog and other curious animals awake for two days and two nights when he arrived! Here's the evidence:




You can invite your own Frog Ted from Frog's Shop. Read more here!

Cheers!

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PS: If you ended up here by googling “IVF+Germany”, our sincere apologies. Next time please try Yahoo.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Listen to the wind b*$#

Tuesday morning. Back to Black, the song, was on the radio and Mimi was putting her black mascara on, and wondering, what retard would censor such a brilliant line as “You love blow and I love puff”? Somebody felt the word “blow” was not decent enough for their respectable listeners and erased it from the radio version. Puff and blow reminded Mimi of smoking, actually. She now craved for a cigarette, although she's never put one in her mouth. She never has, because if she did it once, she could never stop, she can feel that. How can such a control freak be an oral person? Is “oral” a decent word?

Such scattered thoughts were going through her mind, when Roufa's cute head appeared at the door, to announce that there were breaking news on TV:

RTG: Fidel Castro!
ML: What, he died?
RTG: No, he resigned!
ML: OK, that's better than dying.
RTG: I guess so.
ML: It's probably good that he resigned before he died.
RTG: It would be difficult to resign after he'd died.
ML: He would never resign then. They would have to overthrow him.

So our genius poster of “Banana: The Movie”, published last Wednesday, proved prophetic, in a lose sense. We are very proud! Now we shouldn't care if we win the contest or not! We are obviously the best!

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We would love to write more, but we are running out of time. We have to buy presents. And then we have to pack. For soon we are flying south! We are going to visit our chattery relatives, the ones we hung on the wall the other day. We are going to see our little niece, who must have doubled in size and decuplied in vocabulary since our last visit. Time for her to learn “uncle” and “aunt” in three different languages. If she can't, nobody can!

This qualifies as our (not too long) Leave of Absence #3.

But you don't have to miss us: You can rent “Bananas”, the real movie of Woody Allen, and have almost as much fun as here. We also recommend “Aaltra”, another Belgian movie, French-speaking this time. Featuring our new Silly Hero, Bouli Lanners. If you haven't seen his performance of “Sonny” (from the movie), based on Bobby Hebb's “Sunny”, you don't know what silliness is. If you are above 18, you can also enjoy the adult version and have a look at Bouli's version of the the lyrics.

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We'll try to drop by before we leave, but if we don't, see you sometime next week, dear readers! Movies or not, have fun! And don't forget to eat your fruit and drink plenty of water: The secret to a shiny fur and a lustrous coat, whatever species you belong to.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Fool Mental Market

Time's up! Yes, the moment has come! The correct answers to Monday's homework have been published as a comment to the post. Have fun! Those entertaining pieces are just as deep into the subject matter as we are willing to go right now. Perhaps after some holidays we would have the courage to forge further down the abyss of the Slavic soul.

Although Czar Putin was on the news, fussing over a piece of property in the bowels of Serbia. Half Kosovo wants independence and the whole of Kosovo is declaring it. But the proper respects were not paid and the Czar will not put up with an independent Kosovo. That would be “immoral”. What's next, Bernanke accusing the Chinese of being greedy?

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OK, now we have a quick vocabulary test for you.

When you lend money to somebody who, to the best of your knowledge, is unable to give it back, what do you call it:
a Charity
b Stupidity
c Financial opportunity

If you answered a, keep up the good work. If you answered b, you could probably convince us to trust you with our finances. If you answered c, you are in the wrong institution, considering your mental condition. Pretty dangerous.

Which reminds us. It's been almost a month since Davos and we haven't written a word about it, despite the excitement with which we were anticipating the event. That's because we were disappointed! It was not interesting at all! The world's VIPs were all set to venture to unexplored opportunities, tap untapped potentials, discover the next big thing. But the party was pooped, the brass balls bruised -- by fears of an otherwise not coming recession? Sissies. It's all China's fault.

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Weekend, finally. Time to turn off the computer. Time for some air and natural light! Time to lounge! Have a lovely time, friends!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Back Row Giggling

Dear Readers, we'd like to report that we are still rather busy. Besides our regular work, we've had some practical matters to attend to. Not necessarily boring: We framed and hung some family members on the wall, for example. Their pictures, that is. We cleaned Fritz the Fridge. We booked a short trip. We watered Sven and gave him his vitamins. He's been very easy lately, because he now has a new friend who keeps him and RockFrog busy – but more about that some other time.

The “homework” is still available, see previous post! See how East-Europe savvy you really are! We'll post the correct answers on Friday, most likely in the form of a comment to the original post.

Why are we writing, then? Well, we may be busy, but that doesn't mean that we don't visit other people's blogs! It can be very relaxing. We want to thank you all for that! We hope you have as great a time as we do! Most of all, we'd like to give our special thanks to quirky Ms Quarks, aka Monica, for reminding us what it was like to be university students and sit in the back row stifling giggles generated by silly jokes, born of boredom or desperation. The quintessence of University Education! A pity the two of us, Roufa and Mimi, never got to do that together. Be students together. Sneak out of class together, defy sleep together, solve the world in smoky pubs together (it was before the prohibition), party all night together, then go straight to class together. But hey! We've had our fun in our separate times and places, we can't complain! And what else is this bblogg, but making up for lost time and fun?

Let the Silliness go on! Hurrah!

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True to the cause, we have prepared a poster to illustrate "Banana: The Movie", i.e., our bblogg as a movie, in the context of Digital Sickbag's competition. Here it is (click to enlarge a little):





We would like to thank Woody Allen and Don DeLillo for their invaluable contributions to the Artwork.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Xenophobe's Guide to Bed'n'Vodka

We've got a friend who's a high-school English teacher. Let's call him Jim. Motivated and passionate as Jim may be, he's also human. He too has his Manic Mondays, when he's tired and moody. But he still has to teach! He can't just slack at his desk and switch to Second Life, no, the show must go on for Jim. What does he do then? Well, he lets his students do the work. He gives them something to read, for example, and then they have to discuss it in class.

The above should give you a clue as to what today's post will be like. To be precise, we are not moody, but we have been too busy to finish our planned post. Although no contract is bounding us, we have to post something, because it's been a while and we've missed you, Dear Readers! So we've decided to give you some homework: a mix of Reading Comprehension, Geography, and Public Relations. But don't you worry! Since you are readers with free will, not students, we've tried to make it intriguing! So here it is.

If you think your country has an image problem and you are East European, you probably have a case. The following are excerpts from travel guides to East European destinations. Some of them are fictitious and were maliciously made up for fun (not by us!), but others came from real tourist guides.

So can you tell fact from fiction? Give it a try! If you classify at least half of the excerpts correctly, or if you can name at least one of our sources, we will click on all the commercials on your website – if any! We'll post the correct answers and our sources later in the week. Some of the material is copyrighted -- please don't rat on us!

The excerpts are numbered for convenience. All locations and names have been replaced with initials.

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Where To Stay

1. Claimed to be the first hotel ever to open in D, JP is a beautifully restored chateau right in the heart of the Old Town district. Rooms here are not exactly cheap, but a full breakfast [cereal, toast, eggs, sausage and vodka] is included in the price. The hotel also features one of the oldest working elevators in Europe.

2. The Hotel V in K is another Soviet-style cement behemoth – but it occupies the finest real estate in the city, and has splendid views of the river. Staff members may display shocking indifference until they spot your foreign passport. Book either a “deluxe” or a “semi-deluxe” room in the fourth or tenth floor, which have been renovated to international standards.

3. The VR Hotel is located right on the picturesque main square – a delight for guests but a shame for the square itself which is marred by the hotel's concrete-bunker design. Rooms at the back are described as “Mountain View”, which is only partially misleading, in that they do overlook a mountain of crushed car bodies piled up at a nearby auto wrecker's.


Where To Eat

4. B is a casual eatery, just a few doors up from the Town Hall, popular with locals and visitors alike. Freshness is a feature here, with all meals defrosted on the spot. In summer this relaxed bistro spills over onto the cobbled square outside, where patrons will often break into song or hand-to-hand combat, depending on how much they've drunk.

5. Just off UV in the heart of Old G you'll find the stylish B dining hall. With more than 50 main course meals to choose from, this is not the place to go if you have trouble making up you mind. Fortunately, 48 of the dishes involve pickled herring, so it makes the decision a little easier.

Getting Around

6. Renting a car, though expensive ($100 a day), will maximize your flexibility once there. The roads north of M can be challenging: keep an eye out for aggressive truckers, axle-breaking potholes and – even on the highways – the occasional horse-drawn cart.

7. You can call to book a taxi, take potluck with those at the taxi rants or flag down any passing taxi with a green light. Always check the table of fares, since some have ridiculously high rates (they usually sit outside the hotels or embassies waiting for foreigners). Another trick, which you can't really avoid, is pumping up the bill (literally they have a pump near the pedals which makes the metre go faster). [...] Avoid getting into any arguments with the taxi driver even if you know he is cheating you, or at least be sure to get yourself and your belongings out of the car first before things get nasty.

8. Taxi drivers should be tipped at least 10% unless you are prepared to exit a moving vehicle. It is also not unusual for air passengers to tip their pilot following an incident-free landing.

Caution

9. Organized crime in B is not much different from anywhere else in the world and does not generally affect law-abiding citizens. There have, however, in recent years and months been some high profile assassinations of “gangster bosses” and top businessmen, which have taken place in broad daylight in crowded cafes or on main streets in S or in tourist resorts. Although to date no innocent bystanders have been caught up in these shoot-outs, it may just be a question of time. The generally accepted advice is that if you are in a restaurant or cafe and somebody enters surrounded by four bodyguards, it's not a safe place to be!! Generally it is best to avoid establishments frequented by “thick necks” and obviously you don't want to get into any dispute with them over petty things like right of way when driving or waiting their turn in a queue, etc. Be consoled that their days may be numbered!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Mantelpiece Fruit Guide

...for dogs, cats, children, and other curious creatures.

We interrupt this blog to bring you a special feature: The guide to our fruity awards. You know, the metal fruit we give now and then – you can find the laureates on the right column on this page. Golden Bananas and Leaden Cucumbers have been confusing to Frog the Dog, who did not hesitate to stand up and courageously ask for explanations. Many adult people pretend they understand things and then you ask them to explain something and they get angry and call you stupid, just to conceal the simple fact that no, they themselves don't know.

So let's start with something easy. The Golden Apple. A golden apple can only be good, right? An apple is an interesting round fruit, very nutritious, and some would say seductive. And it smells lovely. A golden apple is an apple made of – or coated with – gold, which is shiny and expensive and looks gorgeous. A golden apple can also be an orange, which is very tasty and juicy. We can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to have a Golden Apple! If we give one to somebody, we must have liked or approved of something about them.

A cucumber is a very silly vegetable. Some would say offensive. Children rarely like its taste and adults tend to object its shape. Unless you are into silliness, like we are, bearing a cucumber is not very pleasant or decent. A leaden cucumber is a very heavy and dark cucumber. Nobody wants to display a leaden cucumber on their mantelpiece or to have to carry one down to the basement. The Leaden Cucumber award can only be a form of punishment.

And what about the Golden Banana? Is it good or bad? It's not very clear, is it! A banana has a beautiful color and smell, it is very nutritious, and everyone loves the taste! But like the cucumber, the banana also has a silly and some would say offensive shape. To peel and eat a banana in public looks very stupid indeed. Only apes do that and nobody wants to be associated with apes. Well, a golden banana, although expensive and shiny, has all the shape of the banana, but none of the flavor and nutrients. And it's deceptive too: Gold is a very tempting thing to own!

If you've earned yourself a Golden Banana, chances are that you've said or done something you thought and probably continue to think was very clever and cunning and would serve your purpose or your image, but actually, to us at least, appeared like an ape biting into a golden banana in public, breaking his teeth on it and giving us a broad, ugly smile. You will be tempted to display your Golden Banana on the mantelpiece. Because it's Gold! Are you supposed to be ashamed of Gold??! Since when is Gold an embarrassment?

Well, that, our friend, is your drama, and the genius of it all.

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We hope this has been helpful, Frog! In any case, do try and have your five servings a day, but make sure no metal has been added to the fruit by humans! Or dogs. Or Obi-Sven.

Friday, February 1, 2008

In Bed With Chevron

It's weekend, dear readers – almost. We are lazy. Laziness cannot produce a good post. Like goodness, it is a reward in itself and we will indulge. So we leave you with some more one-liners, made in our household. It's been a while! If you don't like them, scroll down, we still have some fruit and veggies to give away!

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On TV: A cricket player's hand is injured and he needs surgery.
RTG: What happened? He burnt it on a cup of tea?
ML: A heavy cup of tea?

A movie on TV, the Matrix-genre. Looks crappy.
ML: What is this, Matrix 215?
RTG: Matrix – the Inverse?
(It was The Matrix.)

CNN: “To close Guantanamo would be a logistic nightmare for the US. Especially, what to do with those detainees, who the US believe to be senior Al Qaeda members?”
ML: ...based upon?...
RTG: They are older.

London, the sign reads: New Scotland Yard.
RTG: What's that: Scotland Meter?

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Finally! The moment we've all been waiting for! Another Golden Banana! Our fresh Golden Banana goes t o Chevron. An oil company, who is proud to be “part of the solution”, pioneering alternative energy, because “we live on this planet too”! Plans to manufacture their own planet failed badly and now they have to keep this one clean.

Chevron's advertisers are not content with a golden banana, so they had to take it one step further. The ad voice-over, a male, is aware that it's all about everyone's future, “for YOU [image of 11-year-old pretty girl in nightgown] and for ME [man in his 30s taking shower]”.

Leaden Cucumber along with the Golden Banana. Bon appetite.