Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Mantelpiece Fruit Guide

...for dogs, cats, children, and other curious creatures.

We interrupt this blog to bring you a special feature: The guide to our fruity awards. You know, the metal fruit we give now and then – you can find the laureates on the right column on this page. Golden Bananas and Leaden Cucumbers have been confusing to Frog the Dog, who did not hesitate to stand up and courageously ask for explanations. Many adult people pretend they understand things and then you ask them to explain something and they get angry and call you stupid, just to conceal the simple fact that no, they themselves don't know.

So let's start with something easy. The Golden Apple. A golden apple can only be good, right? An apple is an interesting round fruit, very nutritious, and some would say seductive. And it smells lovely. A golden apple is an apple made of – or coated with – gold, which is shiny and expensive and looks gorgeous. A golden apple can also be an orange, which is very tasty and juicy. We can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to have a Golden Apple! If we give one to somebody, we must have liked or approved of something about them.

A cucumber is a very silly vegetable. Some would say offensive. Children rarely like its taste and adults tend to object its shape. Unless you are into silliness, like we are, bearing a cucumber is not very pleasant or decent. A leaden cucumber is a very heavy and dark cucumber. Nobody wants to display a leaden cucumber on their mantelpiece or to have to carry one down to the basement. The Leaden Cucumber award can only be a form of punishment.

And what about the Golden Banana? Is it good or bad? It's not very clear, is it! A banana has a beautiful color and smell, it is very nutritious, and everyone loves the taste! But like the cucumber, the banana also has a silly and some would say offensive shape. To peel and eat a banana in public looks very stupid indeed. Only apes do that and nobody wants to be associated with apes. Well, a golden banana, although expensive and shiny, has all the shape of the banana, but none of the flavor and nutrients. And it's deceptive too: Gold is a very tempting thing to own!

If you've earned yourself a Golden Banana, chances are that you've said or done something you thought and probably continue to think was very clever and cunning and would serve your purpose or your image, but actually, to us at least, appeared like an ape biting into a golden banana in public, breaking his teeth on it and giving us a broad, ugly smile. You will be tempted to display your Golden Banana on the mantelpiece. Because it's Gold! Are you supposed to be ashamed of Gold??! Since when is Gold an embarrassment?

Well, that, our friend, is your drama, and the genius of it all.


We hope this has been helpful, Frog! In any case, do try and have your five servings a day, but make sure no metal has been added to the fruit by humans! Or dogs. Or Obi-Sven.


Lord Likely said...

I too have a golden banana, if you catch my drift. (I am referring to my genitalia, just so you are clear).

Monica said...

Ahah! So that's what the fruits mean. I figured, but it's nice to be sure.

Thanks for the best wishes in job hunting and symposium presenting. I managed to escape the poster session without any drunken, gene-pool skipped professors approaching me, although I have to say, I too would love to know what happened to the one from your story. I would like to imagine that he made quite the comedic scene, but it seems unfortunately more likely that he went home, fell asleep, and forgot about the entire thing.

Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass said...

We are perfectly aware of your majestic fruit, Lord Likely, thank you. Your golden award is absolutely horrendous!

Whether he forgot or not, Monica, his notebook hasn't! The notebook bears the evidence! Imagine, long after his retirement, his notebook surviving in some handsome library up north, for future researchers (yeah, sure) to dig up, find the mysterious scribble, translate, only to discover they are instructed to eat their -ehm- own fruit for breakfast - or something like that. Gorgeous!

Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass said...

The Silly Story we're talking about, featuring Marina the Nut and and a Swedish professor, appears as a comment to Monica's "FlipFlippity" post of January the 25th.

(Don't ask us what trip Monica was referring to - she was clearly flipping out. Oh, the youth.)

Frog the Dog said...

Oh, that's a FROGTASTIC explanation!
Being a cartoon dog I do have to be very careful about bananananana skins....
I've been eating alot of pancakes this week (as you know!) but because I KNOW it's good to have fruit too, I have been eating them with lots of lovely fruit on them.
I think you are right about cucumbers - who would want to put cucumber on their pancakes??
PS: Lord Likely is VERY naughty, isnt he?? Youchers!

fwidman said...

Many adult people pretend they understand things and then you ask them to explain something and they get angry and call you stupid, just to conceal the simple fact that no, they themselves don't know.

Sadly, I have known too many people in Life like this! LOL

Thanks for stopping by my blog, I appreciate it :)


Monica said...

Ah yes, my little flip out. I dislike getting hung up on. Especially by friends that I am supposed to be visiting the next day. It makes the long bus ride seem that much less desirable.

Ahhhh... the follies of youth. How I enjoy them!

Jillian said...

Hey Hey Hey, I would NOT be against a golden banana. Even if it's a "golden banana".